The Joys of Ketchup
by Comixqueen
Summary: kinda silly kinda cute little fic my sister & i thought up. explains the somewhat stupid truth behind Ukitake's condition! pls read & review


Wow, I haven't written a fic since a couple months back. I hope I'm not getting rusty or anything. Enjoy, people :3, remember to not take anything I've written here seriously, **please**.

**Disclaimer:** Bleach belongs to the genius that is Tite Kubo

**The Joys of Ketchup**

Early morning. The shinigami captains were all assembled in the hall and giving their daily reports.

"_Booorrriiiiiinnng."_ thought Juushiro, his mind drifting back to his study; all the drawers stuffed will little packets of ketchup. _Ahhh, ketchup._

It would be a while before it was his turn to deliver his report, so why not do something fun to pass the time?

As Juushiro's mind wandered through vast oceans of ketchup, it became blatantly obvious he wasn't paying a scrap of attention to the meeting.

In line beside him, Kenpachi was absent-mindedly (though not as much as t3h ketchup freak) fiddling with one of the bells in his hair. Looking around, all the other captains waiting to give their reports seemed just as bored. Across from him, Toushiro was having trouble staying in his feet while staying awake. Beside the short captain stood Mayuri, who was almost certainly just as bored but showed no sign of it. That guy could barely count as human.

Kenpachi heard a small sigh from one of his neighbors. Glancing over at Kaname, it didn't seem like the sigh was coming from him. That only left…

"_Khetchuuup_" sighed Juushiro, completely immersed in Ketchup-land.

Kenpachi glanced across to the opposite line of captains. Toushiro was now wide awake and gently tugging on Mayuri's sleeve while staring at Ukitake. Mayuri leaned down to hear what the kid had to say.

"He's a **tard!**" whispered Toushiro. Mayuri took one brisk look at Juushiro and nodded in agreement.

Embarrassed to be seen next to the court's latest weirdo, Kenpachi nudged Juushiro, who woke up with a start.

Juushiro chuckled with embarrassment, and then 'discreetly' flashed Kenpachi a 'thumbs-up' and huge grin to say "thanks, man!"

Kenpachi merely scoffed and rolled his eyes.

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A short while later, it was Byakuya's turn to give his report. Still a ways to the ends of the lines.

Kenpachi sighed, mentally going over the hasty, last-minute report he'd prepared.

…

"_Khetchuuuup"_

"_Oh damn, not again."_ thought Kenpachi. Glancing discreetly to his left…

Juushiro stood facing the ceiling, his eyes closed and a stupid, goofy grin on his face, a slight bit of drool leaking from his mouth.

Kenpachi growled in frustration and raised his foot slowly, and then he slammed it down on his neighbor's.

Ukitake woke up with a jump and a slight whimper as the large shinigami to his right stomped on his foot with tremendous force. He swallowed a would-be scream and shot a poisonous death glare at Kenpachi. His neighbor simply flashed him an urgent look and mouthed the words 'don't _do_ that!'

Juushiro scowled at him once more and turned to look ahead.

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The reports had nearly reached the ends of the two lines when a discussion topic way too boring to be mentioned here was brought up.

"Very well, then. I want to hear all your opinions on this matte-" said Yamamoto, but he was cut off mid sentence by a strange sigh:

"_Khetchuuuup"_

All the captains glanced around, searching for the source of the odd little murmur they'd all heard. Yamamoto turned to Gin.

"Ichimaru, was that you?" he asked him.

"No **sir**, I'm not that weird." The 3rd division captain answered, raising his hands apologetically, a look of nervous confusion on his perpetually grinning face.

"Did anyone catch what it said?" asked Soi Fon, looking around.

"Sshh! Maybe we'll hear it again!"

"_Khetchuuuup"_

7 of the 13 captains present paused, and then, very slowly, turned to look down the two lines at one individual in particular.

"Is he saying 'ketchu-" Aizen started to say, but was cut off by the following;

"KETCHUP?!" shrieked Juushiro, jolting awake.

Noticing that all 12 of his fellow captains were staring at him in bewilderment, he said:

"I……didn't just say that out loud……did I?"

Right then, Toushiro and Mayuri burst into raucous laughter.

"Hey Ukitake-taichou! Who are we?" Toushiro exclaimed, and then he turned to Mayuri. "Do the sigh, Kurotsuchi, do the sigh!"

"_Khetchuuuup"_ Mayuri said in a mocking tone of voice and an ear-to-ear grin. The two continued laughing.

Shunsui called Juushiro's attention from slightly higher on the parallel line.

"Ukitake, who am I right now? _'Oh dearest ketchup! Marry me, my love!'_" he said in whimsical ridicule.

"Stop making fun of me!" Juushiro screamed, jabbing a ketchupy finger at Shunsui.

A few red droplets of the sugary garnish were flung through the air, landing with small splats on Byakuya Kuchiki's expensive silk scarf.

The entire hall froze up and stared at Juushiro in silent shock. Juushiro himself held his breath, staring wide-eyed at the red ketchup stains on the tea-green scarf.

Byakuya looked down at his scarf and brushed the ketchup droplets off. Then he glanced at his fingers, which now carried small red smudges. He stared long and hard at them, his eyes growing wider and wider….

"Oh my God! Is this _**blood?!**_" he finally shrieked.

"No! It's just _ketchup!_" Juushiro mumbled, ashamed.

"Um, ok, uh, _why_ do you have **ketchup** dripping off your fingers?" asked Soi Fon, very confused. The entire hall looked at the captain of Thirteenth expectantly.

"Be….cause….I…was eating a hot dog before the meeting?" Juushiro mumbled. "….a hot dog that was …kinda….over steeped?"

"Why? You tryin' ta OD on ketchup 'r somethin'?" asked Gin Ichimaru of Third, quizzically.

"BECAUSE I HAVE A KETCHUP ADDICTION, ALL RIGHT?!" roared the very irritated and embarrassed captain of Thirteenth. No sooner had he said that, than Juushiro had whirled around and fled the hall in shame.

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From that day forward, no one addressed the issue. There were no official records of the unscheduled event, and the other captains did their best to forget it.

Unfortunately, novice shinigami would ask about the red smearing sometimes seen on Juushiro's face. The truth was skirted using the excuse that it was blood coughed up due to a lung ailment.

Ironically, a few decades later, Juushiro was finally pressured into 'quitting the bottle'. While it took him several years, he finally managed to overcome is perplexing addiction to ketchup. Unfortunately, withdrawal took a heavy toll. Juushiro later did in fact develop a lung ailment, and did periodically cough up blood. His opinion on the matter was never discussed.

All files of the incident were burned, and the entire story was made to look as if it had never existed.

**Extra Blah Stuff**(a.k.a. A/N)

Ok, dumbest fic in creation award, plz!

There's a silly little comic that goes w/ this. It can be viewed on my DA page if you're interested X3


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